I Miss My Friend.

There have only been two people in my life that I could ever tell anything and everything to without hesitation. One person is no longer who she used to be.  I can’t blame her, we grew up and apart, but I do miss my friend.

The other person died January 2007.   It is amazing the impact a person can have on our lives and the hole that is left when they’re gone.  Having someone you can talk to, tell anything to without hesitation is a great thing to have.

Almost 2 years later, I still miss my friend.  When I need to talk to someone, and is no one there.  I miss my friend.

When I have had a shitty day at work, and I need to vent. I miss my friend.

There are people I work with, and there are people I converse with.  There may even be people I’ll call, but there is no one to talk to.

I miss my friend.

Sansa Clip 2GB

I’ve owned this for about a month now.  I’ve had a 80GB Zune for 7 or 8 months, I purchased the Zune because of its display and I didn’t want an iPod (though all my music is purchased on iTunes).

I wanted a flash-based device that was cheap that I could use in the gym.  I searched around, saw what was available and I chose the Sansa Clip for a couple of reasons.  It’s TINY! It has a Radio and it’s relatively inexpensive.

So I got it…I really can’t believe how TINY this thing is.  Seriously, it’s little!  For it’s intended purpose, the sound quality is good, volume is capable of blasting (if you like that sort of thing).  I don’t know if it my particular house, but the radio reception leaves a little something to be desired, but what do you want from a very little mp3 player?

Here is what I like about this little thing the most.  I washed it!  I completely forgot about in my pants pocket (yes it is that small) and washed it and dried it…and it still works!  This is not to say that you would have the same success, but I was so happy to find that it does in fact work.

Another thing I like..plug it in, it’s found and loads up wonderfully in Windows Media Player. Simple, drag-and-drop of the tracks, click ’sync’ and you’re on your way.  I like the amount of content available on iTunes, I hate Windows Market Place and for that matter, I dislike the software that is packaged with the Zune — Why can’t I use Windows Media Player on a device from Microsoft?

Would I buy another one?  Without a doubt! Would I recommend it to someone else?  Absolutely!  Go get one!

I’m Struggling

I’m trying to draw from everything I can.  I’m trying to hype myself up.  It’s not enough.  Time to put up or shut up, has been for a while, but I don’t feel that I have anything left.  And I just started.

Hey FUCKER. You’re NOT done YET!

I think I counted all my eggs before they hatched.  I’ve been happy with the weight loss (60lb total now), but I’m not done and I’ve taken the last 2 weeks off completely.  The previous 2-3 weeks have definitely left a lot to be desired!

It’s hard to get started once you stop.  I can’t get my rhythm back.  I had a routine, and it WORKED, and now it’s all gone, and I don’t know how to get back on that train.

I’ve been itching to lift heavy.  I wanna be sore again!

Oh, I was gonna type something else, but it had the word “can’t” in it, and I don’t like that word.

Reality

There is a background story to this, but it’s unnecessary for this purpose.

My trainer and I had words in regards to something that I couldn’t do.  I say I can’t do it, she says I can.  I’m the one doing it, so I’d think I’d know, but she’s the boss.

With that, I went back a day later and decided to give it a whack.  Though I was completely unable to do 3 sets, I was able to do one complete set and 1/3 of the 2nd set (barely!).  I was able to do more than I had given her in the gym the day previously.

All this time while I’m doing this (and prior to doing it) I kept telling myself that ‘I left my vagina at home.’  The gym has taught me that I was a 300lb mangina (as my trainer calls it) and I’m now a 250lb mangina.  So I’m continuing to tell myself ‘I left my vagina at home’.

Here is the reality.  My trainer brings her vagina with her to the gym every day, for that matter she takes it with her every where.  Ain’t that a bitch!

Should have been more…

The Short Version:

Should implies expectation.

Expectation (along with hope) can be directly correlated to disappointment.

I don’t want/need any more disappointment in my life, that is why I don’t expect anything from anyone nor do I hope for anything.

This philosophy is also what keeps me from setting goals.  To me, it is just myself setting myself up for failure.

Tomorrow…

This seems to be a common word.  Everything is always tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll eat healthier

Tomorrow I’ll step up the cardio

I’ll start Tomorrow

It’s never today. Its easier tomorrow.

Get out of your head stupid!

As long as I continue to get into my own head, I’m fucked. There are no two ways about it.  Going to the gym in the morning used to leave me refreshed, a source of energy for the day…I could leave the gym standing tall and proud, ready to for the day.  If I get in my head, it’s a bad kind of ugly.

I think I need new music on my MP3 player or something…I need to be able to ‘get lost’ and get out of my head.  Doing so allows me to clear my head, sort of reset and leave the gym with nothing on my mind which is just a nice feeling.  Maybe a change of pace in music will fix that.

Blah!

This mornings attempt….

It’s mornings like this that just fuck with my head all the way around.

What’s the point?

Why even bother?

Refer back to ‘are you serious?’ post I made earlier.  It fit well this morning…Or refer back to my numerous mentions of why I hate myself.

I was able to sort of ‘talk myself down’ but things were ugly this morning.  Horrible behavior

What a fucking mess.

hmmmm….

If I leave the gym sore….I’m so screwed in the morning!